Chapter 22 - Marriage

It’s more than a little ironic that the only single gal on the Iowa Conference UCC staff was given the chapter on marriage in This Odd and Wondrous Calling. Martin Copenhaver writes of his marriage to his wife, Karen, who they somewhat jokingly refer to as a pagan.

More accurate is that she is a doubter, a skeptic. She doesn’t take religious beliefs or ideas at face value, instead bringing good questions to the table. Copenhaver talks about how this has been both a blessing and a challenge for his ministry and his marriage. Karen is a faithful wife, attending worship at the churches Copenhaver has served over the years. Karen, who professionally is a lawyer, has even taken the bar exam in six states so that Copenhaver could answer his call. She has not been a traditional “preacher’s wife.”

I don’t think you need to be a married minister to observe that the traditional “preacher’s wife” is going away. Now we have mant “preacher’s husbands” (who don’t have the same long-standing expectation of church participation that women seem to face). Both women and men have professional lives outside the home and the church. Men can stay home to raise children while women work. The variety of ways in which marriages function can be astounding and even confusing to some.

A documentary recently aired on PBS’ Independent Lens, “The Calling,” explored the stories of six young clergy people. In one segment, a mentor coached a young rabbi NOT to tell a congregation at which he was interviewing that he wanted their part-time position because he wanted to stay home with his children. The young rabbi struggled mightily with this reality. He wanted to be faithful simultaneously to his calling, his wife and their children.

In a world where relationships and gender roles are constantly changing, Copenhaver’s transparent chapter on his own marriage is instructive. It’s best not to make assumptions about what a pastor’s spouse might think or believe. It’s best not to expect that a pastor’s spouse is going to be involved in the church in particular ways. It’s best not to think that a pastor’s marriage is going to function exactly how they did back in “the good ol’ days.” Instead let’s treat each of these people and marriages as individual entities and wonder at the many ways God reveals God’s divinity in them.

Nicole Havelka